If you been in the gay dating world for any length of time you have seen several lists, some short and others longer, of what can be considered “likes”, “attractions”, or “standards” that someone is looking for. A type perhaps.
You may see things like:
No fems!
Be drama free! Be normal!
No obese guys
No Old Guys
Daddys/Bears
Looking for BBC Only
Whites Only
Black Only
Straight Acting
Hung 8+ inches or more only otherwise move along
And the list goes on. Some lists can have genuine types such as “twinks”, preferring older or younger men, bears, or trans men or women, or specifying wanting a bottom, top or side. However, as you can see in the list above, it can also get where it exposes unresolved issues with the person creating profile. That’s great! We know who to avoid!
Today I wanted to talk about one of them that is controversial and that is “looking for Masculine Men only” or “Masc 4 Masc” as it is typically seen. Does this expose an unresolved issue of a latent fear around being homosexual or is this simply an expression of who one is attracted to?
I think I can best illustrate my conclusion around this with my own story before I explain the 2 sides of this coin. I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. Where the WORST thing you could show as a young boy was that you were gay or effeminate. Back then, in my neighborhood, you probably had more acceptance if you were a black boy than effeminate or gay–and that is really saying something. I used to have an adult neighbor who, every time I stepped out my front door would holler endlessly at me “Sissy!” to where I developed a fear about going out my front door before checking if he was outside first. He would also come at me, telling me what a disappointment I was to my father because I wasn’t masculine enough in his eyes and I wasn’t playing sports. This held true in schools too. Think of Forrest Gump on the run and that was me. Constantly on the run from bullies and at times even getting it from adults. “Girl”, “Fag”, “Freak”, “Sissy”.
I learned over the years to curb my mannerisms, manufacture my voice a bit better so I didn’t come off so “fem” or “gay”. It didn’t really stop any of the bullying but it did make my peers believe me when I said I wasn’t gay.
We also have some religious context for this too. If we take the ever worshipped Americanized Bible of this here United States, effeminate men and homosexual men are thrown into the lake fire in the often mis interpretated Revelation (depending on which version you read). Of course, the REAL translation of the day had none of these words until around 1946 when conservative Christians decided to the change words and put effeminate and homosexual in because the Bible didn’t have the words they wanted to see in there. It had things like male rapists or male prostitutes at religious temples but our Christian conservatives needed whipping posts in the form of Christian scriptures to use, so they up and super-imposed that horrific translation instead. (If you don’t believe me, watch the documentary called “1946”. It will curl your hair).
Needless to say, if you don’t know, I didn’t come out until I was in mid-life and I fought hard against it. Tooth and nail. Like putting myself through ex-gay ministry and reparative therapy kind-of-tooth-and-nail. When I did come out around 40 and eventually into the dating scene, you learn “the ways” like a map with a key. I knew for me that effeminate acting guys were not what I was attracted to. I saw Masc 4 Masc and I knew that was me. I was always attracted to muscle bound men. Heck, I worked out a lot and got off on muscle men in magazines. It was not only my goal but my turn on. Trans, Drag Queens, these guys with the twang in their voice and the flippant wrists? Nu huh. Not my “type”. I don’t do “types” today, but back then, newly out, I was young and dumb.
I justified it with this: “if I wanted to marry a woman, I would be straight!”. I hear guys use my line today. It just made sense to me. And perhaps that makes sense to you too.
Now you may even be reading this and starting to get the sense ‘oh he’s about to get all on a soap box to destroy masculine men who are attracted men’. I’m not, because I am still attracted primarily to masculine guys. However, there was something I had to look deeper at and I encourage all men to look deeper at.
I will say my revelations about my past and my own homophobia or maybe softer put fem-phobia (as I heard one coach put it that I like) came by accidentally. It came out of need, coming across dynamic personalities of Trans and Drag Queen folk in person in the community unintentionally. And not everyone is willing to put themselves in the community to have those happy accidents and to that I would say, then watch a documentary (not a fictional movie) on their lives and you will get a deeper perspective.
The example I will give here was a black man I was talking to on dating site. I was so impressed with him over the weeks we chatted online and he looked sexy to me. When we got on the phone, his voice sounded like the chef Paula Deen and I learned he was a Drag Queen. It shocked me to the core, but I had such a connection, I could not let him go. I refused. We didn’t end up dating only because there were a lot of unresolved issues he was dealing with that prevented it, but our friendship taught me that I had been judging Drag Queens and effeminate men from a place that wasn’t entirely innocent as I had thought. Many more similar incidents happened with Trans people too where my eyes were open to my own fear-based judgments.
I think what we don’t realize is sexuality is on a spectrum. We are born in bodies that are assigned “male” and “female” but inside all of us are made up of chromosomes that are both male and female, just one is more predominate. To suggest we only operate in masculinity or femininity based on those assigned body parts is disingenuous to who we really are. We hold both those energies and are not living our full potential if we don’t know how to appreciate or able to access them. For example, traditionally, we would often think of the man as the “provider”, the “decision maker”, the one who creates “safety” for the home. But how many women do you know that do that? I know many and in a lot of cases they do that where the man is totally checked out. We think of woman as the “caretaker”, the “comforter”, “the soft element of grace” “home builder”, “child rearer”. How many gay couples now take on that role? If they didn’t, what kind of home would that be?
But here is a much deeper question: Are any of those really masculine and feminine roles or what society has defined them be in very black and white terms for us? Aren’t all of these parts in all of us, since we are all masculine and feminine? Does drive define you as masculine or feminine? Assertiveness? Empathy? A body part or hair on your body? In many cases, both men and women have an equal share of a lot of the same things. There are several cases in one parent households where that one person has to play both mom and dad. How does that happen? Not so well if the dad doesn’t access some of his feminine side and equally if the mom doesn’t access her masculine energy. It is really only society that has caused separation and then put shame around it if you cross over a made-up boundary line. And how ungraceful is that if we all carry both energies?
For me, I came to realize that a significant portion of my attraction was based on the masculine culture around me which had toxicity to it. What part of your past upbringing are you accessing when you look out into the world of men and say no to the fems and yes only to masculine men? Is it all just attraction or is any portion of it the shame you yourself were put under for expressing the part of you that was gay or could be seen as effeminate? It’s time to get bare bones honest about it. Does it only play out in dating really?
What I came to realize is that I was judging. I wasn’t really just doing this for dating. It was in friendships too. It was socially. It all came from my past experiences and my own shame as a young boy. Now, I have changed over the years. I have trans friends and I have a goal one day to do some drag because I always dressed up as a kid and still do for my students, so in an ironic twist, it is really inherent in me. I just don’t want to limit my opportunities with people to one sided exclusively masculine men who don’t access a feminine side. How limiting is that? Not after the great people I have met across the spectrum. Yes, I lean toward masculine men, but I’m no longer limiting myself. Why? Well, as my younger self would say, “Because!” (But I really just explained why, so you should know).
Jamison's Writing Jams 