Can you relate? Where you’ve been in the gay world so to speak and actually for a while though it had its horror moments you enjoyed yourself ..you made friends…you did the things… But the gay drama, substance abuse around you, the wall you hit in relationships, and certain betrayals just finally had you realize that the gay community was no safer than any other and you left it? Left it behind and now you aren’t sure where you really fit anymore? You want people to journey with you but now no longer know where to find them because almost all platforms of straight and gay have proven unsuccessful?
This was a post I made in a gay men’s group a while back. People may or may not believe me when I say that I’ve been through many gay men’s therapy and support groups through the years, and I hear the same things over and over: how hard it is to connect with other gay men for relationships and how brutal the gay community is. The following responses aren’t from a therapy group but it typifies what I have heard throughout the years.
I never found a belonging in the gay community, not even my family, so I have never fit anywhere
Have very few friends; have attempted to be “friendly “ with new people but nobody seems willing to meet for coffee or tea; Online only, it’s pointless!
I don’t expect anything from anyone. This isn’t a cynical viewpoint. It’s just a recognition that we can’t control what other people do. We can only control our response to it. Of course, disappointment, frustration, anger, and other such reactions to what people do pop up now and then. Then I try to check in with the emotion and see where it’s coming from
No truer words.
I think this has become the norm this days and a very well established one. No one sticks to no-one for more than a blink and on to the next one. It’s interesting that it’s the same across countries and cultures
If it gives you any relief or not, this is society as a whole nowadays, its def not exclusive to the gay community. Theres not one day that i dont wake up wondering if this is all real or a bat shit crazy dream, then i blink my eyed and a month or 2 or 3 has passed and im still wondering if im in this simulation of dystopian craziness.
Relationships will always be difficult to know how to respond quite often; this is even more true in Gay relationships. Even in friendships as well as, dating and significant ones.
It’s not an uncommon predisposition in our community. Grown up boys skimming the surface of life modeling and marketing themselves like a product. If they’re coy n cute they hope it might hide that they think in terms of transactions. But it’s obvious and it’s ugly.If we realize we’re being utilized it hurts yeah, but it can also make us question how sound our perception of others is. Just try to remember, as they demonstrate no concern for you, it’s not a reflection on you!
Struggling to land even friends… Turning 71, weakening health= HUGE challenges. Interestingly I’m finding women much more empathetic and reaching out. Men could show more empathy, and attempts at support.
I go back and forth between happily single and feeling up and down about it.
I’m sad. Never was skilled socially. It hasn’t gotten easier as I’ve gotten older. I spend all my time by myself, distracting myself with lots of tasks, and my “hobbies”, which I’ve worn out.
There were a few more positive comments, less, and they were all the same but probably most beautifully said that sums up those responses was said by this man:
That moment in my life was an invitation to look for more inclusive labels. So far, one of the most enduring labels I have found is:
– Child of God
Learning that we are literal spirit children of God has helped bring unity to groups I was previously dividing. I’m cheering you on as you seek answers to your sincere questions. Take them to God and He will also help you find answers to the questions that you should have asked. It’s been a glorious thing to realize when I’m done trying things “my” way, and sincerely open to whatever ideas He has.
One man asked recently in another chat that if there was a fairy God mother with a magic wand that could turn us straight, would we accept the offer. Everyone in that particular chat said no. I was the only one brave to say a resounding yes. That is, if it didn’t any other parts of my personality or talents.
Why? I lost 2 jobs, the societal hate, the lack of good role models in our community. This community won’t heal itself or grow so there are continued relationship issues, betrayals, drama, backstabbings, and quick foreclosures on long-term relationships for something better. It’s hard just to keep friendships that aren’t superficial or don’t become toxic.
During my early years in coming out, I appreciated the groups I could go to talk to and try new things. However, the eventual stabs in the back and abandonment is equal in pain as to any benefit I received. At least, in the gay community I live. So, I have little to nothing to do with it any longer. I have really buckled down to those I know who I can trust and love. I no longer need that community for validation and that is freeing because it is riddled with toxic traps. It is like walking through a minefield but the mines are people. Nevertheless, I would be remiss if I didn’t say I wish it wasn’t that way or try to blame myself often.
So hell yes. If you gave me a pair of ruby red slippers, I would click my heels together and make me wish for the transformation to a straight orientation. I never thought I would be saying that but then again I never thought I would be gay either. Life is a wild ride. I mean if you are a guy you begin your life transgendered. You are born female first and transition to male later if and when more testosterone enters the picture. So all men should support Transgenders. It’s probably why men fear them the most–because it speaks to the fear of their own gender fluidity that they don’t have answers to. And think about it… more or less testosterone at that critical means what? Well, we have hermaphrodites but what about changes we can’t see with the naked eye (like men with 3 nipples or people with both sets of genitals)? Perhaps this is where gay and transgender come in. Who knows. I’m not a doctor and I don’t even play one on TV.
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