Only the Lonely

I have a confession to make. I hated Covid for many reasons and I wouldn’t wish it to be here, but one reason it provided a blessing for me is that it took a constantly overcharged extroverted world and calmed it down into a more evened-out introverted balance for those of us who needed it. Who, every day, had to take a deep breath before walking out of the door and felt like we couldn’t let it back out until we got home. I discovered the joys of working virtually and secured myself a virtual job. I felt guilty for feeling so good.

Fast forward to 2023. The world went nuts between 2020 and 2023 with waves of viruses and waves of political and financial upheaval and it all took a toll on much of our social capital. At least, I can say it did for me and others I know. The curtain pulled back and we learned the sordid truth about people we thought we knew. I became closer to those I was already close with and much more distance to losing those I wasn’t and in a number of cases divisions arose from politics, Covid, and religion to gay dramatic betrayals I hadn’t experienced before. I recently posted about a man I knew who passed away dealing with chronic loneliness. He was gay and the stark reality is that gay male loneliness is considered an epidemic among gay men. I wanted to dive into more so I did some research.

Despite advances in acceptance and visibility for LGBTQ+ individuals, many gay men still feel isolated from their peers due to a lack of understanding or fear of judgment. This feeling is compounded by cultural expectations that can be difficult to navigate when it comes to finding companionship and forming meaningful relationships. As such, this epidemic has had serious repercussions on the mental health and well-being of countless members of the queer community. Here are the common effects on gay males and probably anyone experiencing loneliness:

1. Reduced mental health and wellbeing

2. Depression, anxiety and stress

3. Difficulties in forming meaningful relationships

4. Social isolation

5. Increased risk of substance abuse

6. Impaired cognitive functioning

7. Greater difficulty accessing resources or support systems

According to a survey conducted by the Mental Health Foundation, three-quarters of gay males reported feeling lonely on a regular basis compared to two-thirds of other sexes and sexualities. This same study found that gay men are twice as likely to feel disconnected from society than their heterosexual counterparts. Tell me about it! Quite honestly, while I love the part of me that is gay (because it is not all of me), I feel like I am staring down a potential abyss of future loneliness. It is tough to make and keep friendships let alone dating prospects are even worse. Now, this seems to be more and more of a struggle for straight people too but we are still the higher group and let me tell you…. you have no idea what it is to be gay and male! Women have their chickas and chickatteas. Gay guys are much colder and when they aren’t it’s usually because they have some kind of “use” for you. If you find a gay ‘pack’ of guys good for you! Even harder to break in once one is formed.

Gay men can feel lonely because of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and stress. It can also be hard for them to make friends or be part of a community. Just because there is a big implied “welcome, we are all gay here” doesn’t mean it all fits everyone in a community that has wounds all its own. Many may use substances like drugs or alcohol to cope. This has been my experience with a lot of gay men I meet. Rather than deal with their wounds from the past in their closeted lives or presently dysfunctional life, they just drink up, dope up, play dress up, and act up, but rarely grow up to the point where they can keep sustainable relationships or even desire to. If gay men aren’t able or don’t get the help they need all these things can lead to feeling alone.

Not to root toot my own horn, but I’ve been working on myself for years in therapy and recently just ended therapy for the first time on my own initiative. It’s a great feeling to know I can care for myself emotionally, and I know I need to because this community of gays surely can’t support me in any significant way. It is way to self-absorbed. Gay men can feel very lonely. This might be because of feeling sad, scared, or worried a lot. It can be hard for them to make friends and find people who understand them. They may use other substances, people, projects, or attention-seeking venues to try to feel better, but it does not help in the long run. I see it all the time and I’ve been around doing the other stuff. Not the alcohol and drugs but the projects and attention-seeking venues where you get to be known and know a lot of people. There is a buzz of excitement and you even entertain the notion that these very friendly and fun people really care about you. Until they prove that they don’t. The project moves to another project and you don’t exist. People move on to other people and so on it goes. A knife in the back here, a division there and your mybrid of big group of photos is down to you taking some selfies with family or a friend or a pet. Song after the same song you heard before, the same kind of bar lights and pulsing music, and a certain amount of fun that leads to much ado about nothing. You realized it was a fantasy you need to see for yourself to learn it was fun but it led nowhere.

I remember being at a man’s house who I had adored. A great Detroit gay entertainer. He had me over and we shared deep personal talks about our lives many time. We had so many laughs, and I was invited to many of his house parties etc. He gave me a feeling I was special to him. I went into another room one day when I was over with a few others and could overhear him tell them that the only reason he had me over was for the photos I took of his parties and posted on my social media account. Now I felt that was a bit of exaggeration on his part to make them feel like they were more special because he would sometimes talk about others to me like that after they left and I felt he was doing the same thing. But it was the beginning of more things to come that ended a long-term friendship that I had hoped would last years. And more went that route so much so that I now stick with family and a few close friends. No big “gay projects” or gay bar hopping or longing to get the attention of anyone so that I can make more “gay” friends or big circles so I can I have the big gay family I envisioned when I was coming out. I’m just loving myself and those who want to love me. I just had hoped we as a gay community would be further along by now, but no one wants to grow up. Not really. I mean who would? It’s not an easy road but we do it for a meaningful life. Till that happens I guess we’ll be singing “Only the Lonely”. And if you are lonely out there, I hope you learn the most difficult lesson but the easiest thing to say: love yourself. There truly is nothing wrong with you. It is only ever in the eye of the judgemental person where the wrong lies for not being mature enough to know what relationship takes and what the value of it is.