I get melancholy at times and I don’t necessarily hide it because I like to show that it is okay to be vulnerable. You don’t have to put on masks and pretend everything is “fine” all the time. I wrote a post on my social media that I will share below expressing my melancholy. Now, the benefit was 2 real great responses and by and large the reason I’m posting them is not only are the worth being read but I want a place to be able to refer back to them before they drown in the rest of my social feed. What these 2 people had to share is that important, different from each other and from the heart in both cases.
Goodnight, Gollum
“When all of who you are and all that you have done has benefited the world around you but the dreams you have had for yourself haven’t come true, Gollum’s reach feels like me reaching out for that last strand of hope, trying again and again, one last time. It kind of feels like this. Reaching out for the precious dreams that just don’t come true for all of us. Mine is a plan B in which I never thought as a teacher I would struggle this hard with a pay scale that doesn’t meet standard of living. I love what I do but I never imagined this far in I would still be struggling like this. To have cared about so many people who in the real end abandon you. To still be unmarried and find myself too gay to be Christian, and now to aware to accept everything in the Bible at face value, and too sound of mind and advanced in soul to be all that welcome in a community of gays whose main objective is to party around the clock.
“I hold out to precious strands of dreams and thoughts of hope (as Gandalph would say, a fools hope) so I’m not swallowed up by a lava of rage and bitterness. Fortunately for me I have a loving family, journiers on the self awareness path, and so many children who I love and love me. Love heals a lot and covers a multitude of transgressions. As I end this I remember, that people use the word love a lot even about people when they don’t really know what is or means. I can count myself blessed on this one important thing: I do know. My life abounds in love and for that I will close this out feeling more grateful then when I started. Goodnight Gollum.”
Response #1: By Phil Williams: If there’s anything I’ve learned in my 75 years is to never give up hope. Life is difficult, really tough, but as long as you keep going forward you’ll eventually be able to look back and appreciate all you’ve accomplished.
I think back over my life and think about the many times I just wished it was over. I never made much money, never seemed to be able to keep many friends – I knew a lot of people but we weren’t really friends (I worked at my last job for 32 years, showed the door and never had a retirement party or anything like that, one person keeps in touch out of the 30-40 that I worked with).
Anyway, this isn’t meant to be about the but that’s the only example I know. You’ve impacted the lives of many people in ways you may never know. You’re getting yourself healthy and in shape. You’re a good guy – which, I know, sometimes makes life harder. Find things that you enjoy doing. That way you’re more likely to meet someone who enjoys them too and you have that in common.
I thought I’d met the love of my life at 62 and when he dumped me I was devastated and suicidal. People who I thought were friends said things like “what did you expect with your age difference?” But a few actually listened and comforted me and that helped me to be happy with myself. And just when I was feeling good about being single and the simple life I had, I met someone in an unlikely situation. It’s not always easy, but two years later our love is continuing to grow. So, never give up kid. Concentrate on Larry. Expand your horizons. I know as a teacher you’re into planning but sometimes you just need to go with the flow and see where it takes you.
Response #2: By Terri Donnan Larry. I sometimes wonder what the true definition of a Christian is. It hurts to hear you say “ to gay to be a Christian “. My definition of a Christian: To love God and to know he loves me whatever title I gave to myself. Why do you label yourself? You are more than a label. If you don’t wish to be a Christian that is your right. It is just another label. If Christianity is about judgement, believe to be better than others, that is not me. I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. He never said we have the right to judge others. That is God’s job. Thank you very much. Jesus taught love and inclusion I believe that is what you believe too, so stop your judging of yourself. Early Christians were followers of the way. Jesus way of life. They had way, way less than we do. If you love to teach,teach. If you live with family, you are blessed to have a family to live with and who loves you. I see a blessed man. Loved by God, loved by family, and have a home to live in, a job you love. You are surrounded by love. What more do you need? Oh one more thing: I love you too. Have a blessed life because you are LOVED. I read the Bible to learn. But I truly believe Jesus’ words the most. If nothing less, read and believe His words. Follow the way.
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