When I was a young tyke and noticed that some girls stood out to me, I was also alarmed that I was still clearly obsessed with boys while my peers were salivating over girls. I hoped I was stunted in my growth spurt. Meanwhile, I saw girly magazines my pals shoved in my face as some sort of violent magazine that displayed women having been cut open. I tried to focus on the men if there were couples involved.
Years later I found myself, having moved to a small town in Florida because of a job opportunity for my father, involved in ex-gay ministry. Ex-gay ministry spoke to this idea of being “stunted” in my growth as a male and then some. I was shown my own envy around men and wounds, which weren’t necessarily off the mark and contributed to a “same-sex attraction”. The patterns for me fit perfectly with tons of peer rejections as I had traveled from school to school being bullied, a relatively absent father-son relationship due to his schedule, and our temperaments to name a few of the items on the short list of causes for “same-sex attraction”. Like it was an affliction. I bought it, hook line, and stinker. I traveled the country to workshops and worship conferences and I did months-long programs that were like 12-Steps for Same-Sex Attraction over and over again in different formats. I went to retreats and sought counseling from ministers who could help.
Well, as you may or may not know, though that almost completely killed my spiritual life, it wasn’t without benefit. And here I am today, I am out as a gay man and have a spiritual journey that is new but still grounded in my particular faith walk around Christ–just far less grounded in organized religion. So on this National Coming Out Week, I realize that I’ve been on both sides of the fence for those of us who have been in the closet with moral imperatives and those who are now out. I have a unique perspective because unlike some, I haven’t thrown my religion out the window, I haven’t drank the cool-aide, and I keep a level head on all things. So, what’s my perspective on being out as a former Ex-Gay Man?
Here’s My Review!
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Being Out From The Perspective of a Former Ex-Gay Man
(Insert cowboy music here with a saddle slap)
The Good: Overarching anything bad or ugly is the freedom of knowing who you really are, the unwinding of the pretzel of the soul of shame, discord, and this pressure to be something you are not. You CAN (it is not automatic) become more honest with yourself and explore who you are more deeply and authentically. There is a certain sexual revival that is fun and let’s face it, gays are more unencumbered in this area and that is fun to explore to the level that you want to do it. Coming Out is a journey, not a series of repeated announcements to shock and awe those around you. There are clear and direct stages you go through, and it is helpful to know them. Here is a sample link to them.
It is exciting and a bit unnerving when you first start diving into the community. Depending on your age, you are experiencing things and a vulnerability at a level like that of a teenager all over again. This is why you can see men and women well past their prime grinding out on the dance floor even if they have to by themself. You may find yourself challenged to let go of inhibitions you once held and that’s your choice on what you do with that. Just know we have all been there. It’s a fun time and just embrace the time and play safe. However, it is important as you seek where you fall identity wise, that you don’t have to embrace everything and everyone. It doesn’t make you a ‘bigot” just because certain things don’t appeal to you. Do and Be your own human being. People will embrace you and some will have compassion on you to mentor you but most won’t have the purist intentions at heart (Watch the second season of Lotus, that about sums it up LOL). You are fresh goods on the market for people’s egos and play so pick your “mentors” wisely. Just because it is a gay support group, a gay bar or has “gay” attached to it doesn’t mean everyone or even anyone there has your best intentions at heart more than anywhere else–we are still humans after all.
The humor and entertainment in the gay community can’t be beat and when it comes to supporting each other “when the chips are down”, we are there. There are a lot more things to do now these days like gay choirs, gay campgrounds, gay sports leagues, activism, and gay-friendly churches. Many avenues we didn’t have before. We can get married now and adopt children and even some companies are supportive of LGBT people. Though the Trump era and Covid has brought some roll -back, we are advancing out of the gay underground in this last decade like never before and that is exciting and promising.
The Bad: No one wants to admit it, but though we are advancing from the gay underground, a number of gays don’t want to rise above it. There is a lot of focus on sex and “girls just want to fun”. It’s plays, drag shows, strip shows, musicals, travel, and “look at what I’m doing with my clique” and god forbid if you don’t have one because then you are rather isolated. Now, it’s not that any of these are wrong but it becomes really 1 dimensional when that is largely all you can find and all anyone can talk about. It’s hard to find substance in the gay community for me, and the older you get or if you have to relocate, it is terrific to establish a sense of community anymore. Grandma used to say that just because a car is parked in a building doesn’t make it a garage. And just because a place or people say they are “gay” or “gay accepting” doesn’t mean they have their back or your best intentions in mind. This has been such a heartbreaking lesson for me because I wanted that so much when I left all that fundamentalist, ex-gay stuff behind. I thought I had it until I realized I had stepped into gay cliques. Once I was on the other side of those, I knew differently but it was years later. The bonds had been forged and now broken.
As I mentioned above, this is when I saw through mentoring as someone’s ego trip and attempts to control. When clubs, organizations I was a part of became impossible for me to be a part of because of the terrible wounding that took place, the gay drama played out like a soap opera. You can quickly be embraced by gay cliques without realizing it until you are thrown to the other side. Right now the community is much more focused on entertainment, skin show partying, making money from events, hooking up, and showing off bodies than anything else. Doesn’t mean there is nothing else out there but it is hard to find. Like I tried kickball, but alcohol was still a staple right out on the field, and so was bullying and gay drama between team leaders.
There are a lot of gay apps to engage in and it is mostly riddled with people looking for hookups. I was one of them in my early days but I’m not anymore. It’s tough finding an app to use if you aren’t. Even the ones geared for dating, all anyone seems to be able to do is speak in cavemen talk “hi” “what’s up?”. Howeever, some people swear by them because they met their partner on them. That is few and far between in my estimation. Our problem is we don’t have healthy role models out there to show us the way.
The Ugly: Despite the fact that we have made advances in our communities, and we have many outlets now with all sorts of non-sexualized, and potentially non-substance abused activities to engage in, many infuse it with sexualized talk and substance abuse either right at the event or after events. In some cases, private sex parties too. They refuse to grow up. For me, and I can only speak for myself. I participated in gay choir, gay churches, gay sports leagues, and have had many gay friends over the years. I had fun, got back-stabbed and my heart broken, and can count on one hand the friends of substance I have as result 10 years later. If you want to keep your life light and fun with friends who have no depth to them, you will be fine in the gay community– if you are good looking enough, play the right games, and say the right lines. The clubs and leagues I participated in eventually were riddled with bad gay drama that over time tore me apart. Substance abuse was a regular occurrence as was an over-focused on the young and sex. You can be forgiven for anything in the gay world–drunkeness, wanton sexual aggression, being a non-talker, and a cocaine addict–but have a moral fiber in your body, and nobody wants anything to do with you. It hits religious wounds perhaps but overall, they find it “boring” and something that is too unmasking to the trival entertainment and party life many hold in such esteem over such values. I’ll never forget a popular man who took me under his wing in a gay choir I was a part of. He consistently told me I was “too boring” unless I constantly had a drink in my hand at his house. I always had to be drinking there. All I wanted to do was visit and be myself, but since he apparently couldn’t be himself without a drink, everyone else had to as well. I was almost tempted to feel ashamed I wasn’t the lush he was. How backward is that? That was clue one when I knew it was time to move on.
Summary: As I said in the “Good” part ” Overarching anything bad or ugly is the freedom of knowing who you really are, the unwinding of the pretzel of the soul of shame, discord, and this pressure to be something you are not.” However, as a 53-year-old man, I face a gay community where I am too Christian to be gay and a Christian world where I’m too gay to be Christian. When I came out, I was getting dates left and right. Not so, at age 53. What does my future hold? Have I been set free to live a lonely life in a tower? Am I to be the next Repunzle LOL? Truth be told I wanted to be married and have children at age 25 so when I came out I had hope for quicker results. Except for some aspects of my gay church experience, every other gay venture into a club or league ended up with my heart broken. So, what’s next?
If I’m anything here, I bare bones honest. So prep your ears for this one! When I think of my ex-gay days, they didn’t have everything wrong: the focus on sex and youth culture, the excessive substance abuse, and the wounds the community inflicted on one another that perpetuate more wounds. The Ex-Gay Community were wrong about a lot of things, but they weren’t wrong about that. That is my experience. And when I think about how I don’t seem to fit anywhere anymore, sometimes I wish I was more bisexual than gay because then I would at least have a choice. All I know is nothing is working out here for me in Detroit, Michigan. I like to have fun too but I am a man of substance and I need to be around people who have substance to them, not just ideations for sex, entertainment, substance abuse, and mindless talk. That’s just not the kind of gay man I am.
Overall, am I glad I came out and embraced myself though it was a lot of work? Yes. But I am now enjoying and overjoyed in this whole gay experience? Put it this way—> I’m moving from focusing on being gay as it is only part of who I am and I cannot have my place in a community that won’t grow up. So gay community will be moved as sort of a side gig for fun outlets here and there and any activism I can participate in. But it is no longer anything in my area that I can trust or build upon so I will focus on being me and making friends and community with people in general. That is actually probably a better focus but it is also a little sad because I would like both. It is what it is and as they say, you can’t have everything right? That’s my review, what do you think? Please leave your comments.
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