I wonder as a gay man why it seems to me that so many put visible aspects of masculinity on such a high pedestal as though somehow true masculinity is a physical by-product to be worshipped or to become it by mere physical expression? Is a man with a missing leg less masculine? Or a man with no limbs? True masculinity isn’t something you get by observing it and worshipping its appearance. It is from within you and even more ironic than that, without the balance of some feminine energy in there it becomes a sick, toxic masculinity that is unbalanced.
What we have in our culture is something twisted. Even in other cultures too. But I believe this is why so many men are lonely and for gay men it has now become classified as an epidemic. It’s not like this is a physical virus, but this is a societal disease which means it is a societal problem, especially for gay men, we need to look at the causes and do something about it. So many are preoccupied with worshipping, partying, friending, hooking up either openly or on the DL (even straight men) with these hypermasculine physical expressions. It’s a circus out there. A carnival of show and tell. Who is having the most fun with the most masculine guys? Who looks the hottest and has the most fun in what they are doing around these masculine bodies? Snap and Post! You know the profiles with the continued crowds and Chessy face that says “Look at me and who I am with!” I think of the new Barbie movie coming up that many in the gay community are charged up about. Its plastic faces and hypermasculinity chases in a lot of these social media posts we see over and over again. And few authentic relationships develop out of that. It’s acquaintances, people who keep tabs on each other and use each other to fill social needs that won’t ever be met…because this isn’t an outside job. It isn’t a chase that is a popularity contest, how ripped you look, how many social events you can post with masculine buddies. It is an inside job. I think this is why so many of us are lonely and we want more but we can’t find people who do. Eyes, time, and sensibilities are elsewhere.
I’m not going to deflect responsibility because we are responsible for the choices we make. As men, we are long, long overdue to wise up. If we don’t wise up in the gay community, we’ll continue to toxify our own. There are two stark problems to identify. At the root of this is broken parental relationships and a media market that emphasizes physical aspects of this mythical alpha male that is all pretend and really toxic. No one would want to live a day with it. Yet, especially in the gay world, we are engineered and brainwashed to worship the physical appearance and expression of it as the ideal image. Body images that really don’t exist.
I recently stumbled onto a nudist beach where they were having a contest for the most people they could get to come out skinny dipping to break a record. 675 people came out on this Florida beach in 100 degrees. Figures my first coming out to a nude beach, and the whole town comes out. But, I can tell you maybe 3 bodies came close to magazine cover look out of those 675. Think about that for a moment. Big ginormous dicks? That’s often a masculine trait guys chase and feel shame about too. It wasn’t as numerous as average sized to even below average sized ducks out of 100s of people. Think about that for a moment too. How would those people feel comparing themselves physically to the ideal representations society puts out there? And isn’t that where we often hang our hat? Where we put so much weight?
While having outward expressions of our gender identity is nice to have and normal to be attracted to, it is dangerous to hang our hat on. One day we could be in a freak car accident and what then?This is all an inside job of being a balanced person of assertiveness, strength, courage, sexual confidence, empathy, compassion, and passion, and all those good things that make a balanced man exude a true masculine that radiates out of him. This is what we should be chasing after and working towards. There are men who I have seen with no limbs exude a masculine energy and joy that is contagious to me, and they aren’t going to make model cover on GQ or porn. That’s not shame on those who do modeling or porn, nor shame when we look at those things but it is not intended to be the pinnacle, most celebrated part of who we are. It certainly should not be a tool of shame as a measure that we have going on in our world today.
So today, as a male, I sit here lonely. As a gay male, I am lonely. Separated from the gay community because I don’t look the part of a super attractive, alpha, young male and I don’t play the part of an aggressive partier who wants to drink himself unconscious and tear his clothes off. Instead, I am a deep thinker, serious, sensitive, caring, humorous person with values who also likes to have fun and on occasion do those things too but they aren’t the core of my life. Still, most men can’t digest that. It’s too bright a light. So, I stick with family and close friends here or there. Trust me, it’s not for the sake of the trying–having done church groups, gay choir, gay sports leagues, and even running my own gay men’s group. The reality is most gay men are so broken they are chasing a different idea of what masculinity is supposed to be about. Until you go on the inside chase, you’ll be out of luck. I wish you luck on your own race! Just make sure you are on the right one.
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