What Does “Living Your Best Gay Life” Mean to You?

“LIVING MY BEST GAY LIFE!!”

I see this posted on social media here and there, and I have mixed feelings about the statement. First, it is often, in my experience, posted by people showing themselves partying it up or slutting it up somewhere. To each their own, I’m not condemning that but is that “the best gay life”? It is true we want to show ourselves happy and free, I get that. Most gays I talked to, according to the forum where I asked this question, say no, what is often posted with this statement doesn’t represent their idea of good living. I don’t think it needs to but it does strike the cord for myself and others that we want something more than what gay-dom is presently putting out there as a representation of what a great life consist of for gay people.

If you are gay, you at some point probably experienced some kind of sexual repression so when you come out, you do sort of slut it up and experiment. Some folks stick to that and never leave it. They make a lifestyle out of it. I think on some level all of us envy their carefree, bare it all choice that we may see posted on social media–though we miss the cost too. There’s a side to all of us that doesn’t want to grow up and this appeals to some of us. They post circles of their friends and labels of “best friends ever” next to their paid dancers and “positive vibes” and “great people” who are dancing on bar tops or others looking like they think they are better than anyone who might be looking at them. The labels don’t match the photos. It’s wishful thinking and not terribly convincing to me. Fine. Strike that pose. Nevertheless, for most of us, a drinking, promiscuous, and shallow friend group that you can say is “real” (and is but just also happens to be really shallow) is not enough and hopefully wouldn’t be enough. If it is, then there it is. There is your version of your best gay life and that’s okay. That is what you want.

When I was slutting it up at gay resort one summer, I thought about this as I was socializing all around the camp. It was all social connections, dancing, drinking, laughing, and sex and I was having a blast. I had never experienced anything like this before and of course people are more friendly when they are on vacation. It was a Gay Disney World and I knew I could probably go live somewhere and live this kind of life (definitely not in Michigan where I am now). It wasn’t like I wasn’t having fun but I knew down deep I would want more than just this kind of “fun”. If I went down this path to stay, I would be able to say on a stereotypical level I was”living my best gay life” as most shallow-minded people would define it. Something you could post on social media and convince people you were happy and popular. I would be no better than a straight person who found a network of social clubs with sex groups on the side. However, the meaningful things that are rich and full would be absent. Not completely but definitely not enough to nourish a soul like I wanted it. So the question then becomes is the best gay life about entertaining the soul, trying to make it feel lifted up with entertainment, popularity with plenty of social connections, or something deeper. What about true soul fulfillment?

Well, you may totally disagree with me so far but don’t just take it from me. Here are the responses from the forum where I posed the question what does living your best gay life mean to you:

I guess living my best gay life would be whenever I start travel nursing and taking mini-vacations in-between assignments I could try staying at gay-friendly resorts. I’d also like to go to a pride event at some point, but I’m not a fan of big crowds. I feel like most people mean partying and being promiscuous when they say “living their best gay life”, but that’s not my thing. 

I would question what is a gay life?

That quote sounds so off-putting to me. Usually when I see someone post that, they are on vacation or at the gym or at the bar . . . or taking a selfie that has nothing to do with being gay. I think many gay men have been conditioned to post a stereotypical “live laugh love”-sort-of-post like that for validation and belonging. If someone is truly living their best “gay” life, then they would be living it out in the real world (authentically) and not selling the lifestyle to their friends.

Removing all biases, it could just mean that they’re living their best life and adding gay to it is just a fun reference for them. For some it could be vacation, partying, sexual activity, but either way, it’s how they’re expressing themselves . Personally it’s not anything I’d say, but I applaud them for being themselves.

If I really reflect on what “living my best gay life” looks like, I am reminded of the times when I am with folks who are incredibly welcoming, loving, and fully expressive of who they are. Especially in alternative Queer spaces where people are being who they are – I wish I could describe it, but you don’t really know until you experience it lol … like I think of spaces like Radical Faeries, or Queer oriented festivals. And hippity dippity queer spaces lol 

—this guy won me at “hippity dippity”

I say it all the time- freedom to love who I do, freedom to see my partner in the hospital, freedom to have a job despite being gay…there was a time in the not too distant past that one had to worry about all that. *Don’t assume that your freedoms are assured*. Where I live, in very diverse Salem, MA, the witches were diversity and the community cherishing present witches, have enabled lgbt folks to move here and thrive. I don’t worry about where I dine, or holding the hand of my male friends, or assisting with Pride activities. Could some other gay men express the same in other really restrictive states?

The litmus test would be… “are you… generally… happy and fulfilled?”

Best life. Period. Unlimited.

It’s showing off your tan or your expensive holiday somewhere obvious while virtue signalling about how unauthentic they are. Look at me, I’m casually affluent so I’m an example for you. It’s a bit sad.

I’m happy. This is one of my reasons for happiness

In a world that tells us we are wrong, in a media landscape that largely portrays our community as less than most gay men are riddled with trauma. Simply existing as a gay person is an act of rebellion and something to be celebrated. I find it a celebration when I see my brothers and sisters taking up space and unashamed.  Friends were talking last night about pride month and why it even matters. Lots of my friends are young, athletic and have thankfully experienced far more acceptance in their coming out journeys than most. They’ve mostly been quite sheltered. I shared some of my own coming out and my recent experiences celebrating pride in South East Asia where the prejudice against LGBTIQ+ folks is a matter of life and death. It was a powerful encouragement for me to choose to be more visibly queer and gay, to let others know that it does get better and to signify that there is community and acceptance out there for them too. Being visibly proud and gay is less about me and more about standing up for those not ready to and hopefully continuing the work out rainbow elders did to make our current lives better. I’m doing my part where I can. Sometimes that means wearing tacky rainbow socks and a hot pink g string 

Along with the above post there was this response that really topped the cake for me on the best response given:

My best life would be a peaceful life in which I could enjoy the simplest and most essential things. It would be a life in good health: physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, social. It’d be working on what I was passionate about and had a good reward in return. It would be with my little circle; the people I really love and show me that they love me back. My best life would definitely be living in a place surrounded by nature and tranquility, not the hustle and bustle of big cities. I’d only go to these cities for leisure and certain cultural activities, but I wouldn’t live in them unless I could find a balance by retiring to natural places on weekends, holidays or from time to time. I see my partner, and I traveling in a camper van or enjoying it on road trips and spending the night in the countryside. I see myself looking at the stars just before I fall asleep or have sex. My best life lies in doing what I came into this world for and feeling it while I do it. Feeling like I’m exactly where I need to be and that place is perfect for what it is since everything has led me there. My best life is not a life of appearance or living to prove something. It is a life based on real connection and freedom. It’s a life based on the unconventional and prosper and feel proud doing things my own way and at my own pace without this absurd vice to compare. I’ll know that I’ll be living my best life, the perfect imperfect life, when I feel peace and love in my heart and I radiate it wherever I go.

When I said how great this response was, he followed this up with:

I just think it’s about alignment.

When you align with yourself and set the intention to go in the direction that resonates with who you are, you will always find people who resonate with the same. I guess it’s possible that you’ll find someone special there with whom to share those adventures and that lifestyle. If you want something, first know yourself, then go in the direction that your heart dictates, and then remain open to all the positive possibilities that life can offer you. There are many good things out there that are worth living.

Just enjoy.

For me, I can’t say I’m living my best life or best gay life either. I need to re-evaluate some things but I know when I’m giving and working with others at my job, when I am with my family, and anywhere in nature, I feel love and life like no bounds. So, my best life comes in window panes, in snippets that keeps me aspiring for more. What about you? Comment below.