One of my favorite songs by the band Foreigner that they credited with destroying their sound is “I Want to Know What Love Is”. Amazing that one song about love for a “rock” band they would credit for that. Love, Hope, and Joy are three pillars of my life. When I came out as a gay man, I had this delusional idea that I was going to enter something like the Mickey Mouse Club where I would be loved and embraced and find the man of my dreams. It’s been a lot harder than that because gay or not, we are still human and often have a lot of unhealed trauma in the gay community that we take out on each other.
If you talk to gay men, particularly single gay men, love, and relationship building seems to also send a lot of men running. It’s a hard sell. Many of us have been struggling for years and some for more than a decade to find men even interested in it. I’m fortunate that I know how to seek the spiritual world to show me what love is though my humanity constantly tries to get that from other people. Nevertheless, as a single man, I still go through my cycles of wanting to find a relationship where I can experience a loving relationship with someone rather than just work, gym, eat, sleep and repeat. I wanted to be married with children back in my 20s and I’m now in my 50s. Quite honestly, the older I get, the less I feel that I “need” it and I’m definitely not desperate. Still, this morning I was a bit sad thinking of potential relationships with friends and romance that is so difficult in this Covid era. Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You” came on today and these lyrics stuck out to me:
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go but I know
I’ll think of you every step of the way
And I will always love you
I will always love you
You
My darling, you
Mmm-mm
Bittersweet memories –
That is all I’m taking with me
So good-bye
Please don’t cry:
We both know I’m not what you, you need
That’s how so many relationships have ended (if you could even call them relationships). It’s so sad. Others right now exist, but because of distance and the ways things have changed in relationships because of Covid have made things far more difficult and isolating. I posted the following question in a men’s group on Facebook just to see what the comments would be. What were the experiences of other men trying to date in 2022, particularly gay men who were older? I was surprised gay men of all types answered. Even men from different countries. I selected a few to share and kept their names out of it but there were far more comments I could have included. This will give you an idea of what gay men in the dating world are feeling these days. It was a mix of affirming, depressing and encouraging. Enjoy!
(please note: I didn’t correct their grammar: I posted them exactly as written)
Anyone come out later in life and find it nearly impossible to land a guy who can do an actual relationship? Finding dating difficult?
Comments:
Oh, it doesn’t matter how late you come out in life to find dating impossible. I’ve been out for nearly 30 years and find it impossible.
I’ve been single for 8 years and the men who respond to me on dating sites only want one thing.
It takes working on yourself first (lots of therapy) before the opportunity shows itself, otherwise, it’s nearly impossible
I met my partner 2015 30 years different never been happier in life. We met on Grindr so it can happen. 
just keep a open mind there is someone out there for everyone.
I came out in my 30s. My longest dating relationship has been a few months (which for sure is partially my lack of confidence) and I often think that everyone stable near my age was in a ltr before I came out.
I don’t think the age matters, or when you came out?
My thoughts are that it just seems that not many guys want to date, spend time together and build a future together nowadays.
It takes time to build something meaningful and with life being so fast and busy nowadays not many seem to want to invest the time maybe?
Feel ur pain. I came out at 44, now 54 never had a bf.
I am 64 and I have been on my own for over 17 years. and I have no idea how to get a partner in the same town for all my life but I’m really looking for someone who can be a man who will take me as I am. I’m a country man and I want to get a husband
I am 64 and I have been on my own for over 17 years. and I have no idea how to get a partner in the same town for all my life but I’m really looking for someone who can be a man who will take me as I am. I’m a country man and I want to get a husband.
I’ve had grown ass men come at me w all the charm and skills of a horny teenager.
In today’s world most people are incapable of having a loving relationship 
Plenty more fish in the sea has never been more true, people don’t commit to their choices anymore seems to be more everyone seems to settle for ‘right now’ and when things are difficult, they look for something new/better. I’ve accepted I probably won’t find anyone to grow old with and I’m fine with that!
It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay finding love at this point in time is really hard. 80% of people online lie about who they are and relationship status.
I came out in my late 40’s. Im now in my 60’s and only had one relationship (he died) im still happier now (even alone) than i ever was in the closet.
I’m happy being alone at 73. I do my own thing and enjoy it. I have a few friends so I’m good. Benefits are nice once in a while but not that important anymore.
I came out at 52 met a guy on line he was in his 70’s he died azt 6 years from cancer now I am with my 2nd husband met him on line also. I told the truth and he did also
I find that joining a local social activity group or two is much more fulfilling (gay choir, sport group, etc). You get to know people and make friends without the pressure of the hunting scene. I have seen romance and long term relationship blossom in my choir. At the very least you will get to widen your circle of friends, and you get to meet friends of friends (of friends, of friends, etc).
I must admit that I got lucky. Divorced after 20 years, I decided to pursue men. I dated three men relatively quick out of the gate but stopped as the anxiety from my divorce was getting the best of me. About a year later I met my BF. Once I saw him, I knew he was the one and 6 years later it gets better and better. I will say he is 15 years younger than me but very mature. He gave up dating for years because of what you describe. I did kiss a few frogs before I found my prince.
Yes! 
Is it because we find it difficult to break down our protection barriers, past trauma that triggers, or just because we have become more discerning with age? Must we lower our expectations because we set the bar too high? Do we come over as too needy and thereby put potential partners off? Or what? Certainly seems to be a serious problem running like a fault line through our community? I certainly do not have the answer. But this problem needs more attention in order to save our sanity and in many cases, even our lives!
Came out at 42 and found a keeper, just celebrated 14 yrs together!
For me coming out at 30. It’s being single for 28 years that makes it hard. Everyone I meet has been hurt by someone else and doesn’t trust that you won’t hurt them to trust is hard to find 
Finding dates for a long-term relationship is quite difficult, regardless of the age of coming out. In Spain, at least. Everyone seeks sex, which is fine but no place for guys who are into something deep.
I am divorced and want the same thing, and in my age group there are mostly single and built to stay that way, Divorced and gun shy of digging in again, and widowed and get them quick or they are gone in 30 minutes.
I came out at 13 never been in a serious relationship
Yes. Im finding it tricky to find a man I can relate to. There’s got to be more than just hookups. I want something serious.
Came out at 35 and now I’m 6 months away from my 50th birthday. Never been in a gay relationship, starting to think it’s me!!
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